My Testimony on February 24, 2010

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Mostly about the strength of my relationship with Josh and about our decision to move out of our home and take off on a crazy adventure to.... somewhere. I also have wondered how this decision will effect our son. 

When Josh and I first decided we wanted to look into him going to grad school, I was on board because that meant we might be leaving the big city- no moutains-too hot-crazy drivers- no snow-Texas (childish I know). I also thought about how cool it would be for both of us to be in school, doing the "starving student" thing. (Ask me in a year if this is as glamourous as it sounds in my mind)

We made the decision to sell our home, leave his job at Sunburst Shutters and to start over. Then after a couple days we realized that in order to do this we would have to "sell our home," "leave a fantastic job," and actually "start over." What did all of these things really mean!? It sounded like too much work! 

But the idea of him continuing on the path he had started at BYU-I kept nagging us. We fasted and prayed. We went to the temple. We listened to our friends and family members logical advise, about how we would be dirt poor for two years and for what... a career that would not be as profitable as staying right where we were. Many voiced concerns that we would have to sell our house in order to afford tuition and eat. What if our home wouldn't sell because of the economy? Or if it did we wouldn't get what we paid for it back.

Eventually, we had to just rely on each other and on Heavenly Father. We figured out how to work together and make decisions for us... and not for everyone else. We had to realize that even though our friends and family have our best interests at heart, the only one who can really guide us in the right direction is Heavenly Father.

 I believe that we would be happy either way. Staying in Texas and working for Sunburst is the easier and more logical choice. But because we have chosen to leave everything that is comfortable, secure and permanent... for the absolute unknown, Josh and I have been able to grow so much closer, than if we would have taken the easy route. We rely on each other. We confide in each other. And our love and devotion to each other and our marriage is so much stronger.

I am so blessed to have married a man who can see past the here and now. Who understands that temporal things like making money, owning big houses and driving the newest-nicest cars isn't everything. Even though we both still enjoy those things, he is dedicating his life to serving others and helping them find their way. He won't be able to say to people "I belong to the true church, and if you join and fallow the teachings your life will be happy."But I know, He will still be a missionary and teach all those he comes in contact with. They will feel his love and spirit and testimony. I can't think of a more Christ like way to live your life. Our children are going to learn so much from Josh's example. They will know the importance of service and Christ-like love. And they will never question Josh's true desired to serve his fellow man. 

I have learned so much in the last year of my life. I have figured out how to be "we" instead of "me." My testimony has grown so so much. I understand a lot more about the world, the church and myself. Josh and I have made it our goal to have couple prayer and scripture study every day. We have also worked really hard to spend our time together taking walks and visiting with one another, rather than just sitting in front of the TV all night (which we still do a lot of). We are trying our best to build up our food storage and I have recently re-dedicated myself to trying to help others start theirs too. (Which is something I am passionate about, but that also will help pad our bank account in the months and years to come). I think all of these small and simple, but often forgotten or over looked things are why Josh and I are so happy. They are things I have struggled with doing and staying consistent with my entire life. I don't think that we are perfect now, and there are plenty of other things we need to work on and be better about doing. Together we can pick up the slack and really dedicate ourselves.

My visiting teacher asked me yesterday if I was sad or scared to be leaving all the comforts we have, to venture out into the unknown. My answer was no...which surprised even me. I thought about it all day, "Why is this so easy to leave the house we made our own?" "How can we just pick up and leave, knowing that our next place is also temporary, until we start school?" "And we could end up anywhere... Arlington Texas, Boise Idaho, Arizona, Wyoming, Washington..." 

Why is my HONEST answer that I am ok with this? 

Josh answered my questions last night when he read Mosiah 2:41

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember , remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

(I have never had a favorite scripture before... last night, this became it)

I think this is the first time in my life that I have been TRULY happy. I have had days when I have been happy because of a nice compliment, or a gift I have received. I have been happy with a grade in school or a completed project. But I have never been happy and had so much uncertainty in my life. I have always had a plan. I have always thought that, "When I accomplish (have/ see/ do) ____________, then I will be happy." I have always thought I needed to look back on things to be happy, that I could never be happy in the moment. 

But right now, I AM HAPPY. I love my husband more than I ever knew was possible. I am so excited to meet my little boy and I already love him so much. I am so excited to see Josh succeed and progress in his dreams. I am so excited to experience my life, and to see where it goes. I am excited to create myself. It is ok that our future is unplanned. I know that if Josh and I continue to work hard to be the best we can be as individuals, as husband and wife, as members of the church, as parents, as a son and daughter, as a brother and a sister, that we will be ok... and we will be happy. And that is enough for me.

I want to always remember how I feel today. So when things are not working out according to my plan, I can look back and think of how nice it is to do what I know is right and let the rest just happen. 

Maybe my ramblings will help someone else figure this out. Most people probably understand this concept with out having to have a big epiphany like I did.  But if you are anything like me (stubborn), you will probably have to learn this lesson the hard way. But just in case, I really felt the need to share my thoughts. This is my testimony and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.