Yesterday was just one of those...

ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE DAYS! 

I was up most of the night with the worst headache I've had yet and an upset tummy (from the medication for my head). I was hungry because I had gotten sick on every meal from the day before but was still having tummy troubles, so eating was the last thing I wanted to do. I got up early yesterday morning to have Josh help me change my clothes, brush my teeth and put on deodorant (so I wasn't totally gross for my babysitters) before he went to work. He got me a bowl of cereal and left for work. Ten minutes later I threw up all my breakfast and then sat on the sofa waiting to open the door for my babysitter. A really nice lady from our new ward (whose name I simply cannot remember) arrived soon after, gave me some meds and helped me into bed. I slept until my second babysitter arrived for the day at 11, it was my new relief society president. She has been AMAZING! We have only been in the ward for three weeks and still she is willing to do so much to serve me. I had a doctors appointment at 11:45 and so Sister Haskins made me a PB&J and helped me into her car. 
*Good news: I did manage to keep the sandwich down. Yay!* 

I started feeling incredibly dizzy at the doctors office and right before she came in to check me and Jonesy, I passed out. *Good news: I only passed out once yesterday* Dr. Potter listened to our little man and said that his heart rate is 1 point away from being out of the safe zone.  Up until now they didn't see that anything that is happening to me is affecting him. He was always in the right rage for weight, length, and heart rate.

 I am feeling worse and worse everyday and not keeping much of what I eat down. My headache is almost always in the high pain rage and my mood is slowly getting worse and worse. All of these things are starting to affect my sweet baby boy. 

My doctor has ordered me to have weekly sonograms to check his growth and weekly NST's (non-stress-test's) at the hospital to make sure his heart rate stays in the safe zone. If he continues to grow and have a "decent" heart rate, he is better off staying in a sick mommy than being out. But if something changes at any of my weekly visits, I will have an immediate C-section. 

I just want to be able to grow a healthy baby. My doctor suggested that I stay home in bed as much as possible, rather than going to other peoples house's for supervision. Really?! How is that even possible?!!! She doesn't want me doing much at all; only two or three outings a week if I am getting major cabin fever. She thinks the less I do and have to get ready (not like I'm really getting ready for the day when I go to other peoples houses anyway), the more likely Jonesy will stay safe inside me.
   I am getting incredibly sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have an emotional breakdown everyday and I know Josh and my sister are sick of hearing me complain about the same things over and over:

I want him out... and I don't want him out.

I want to be a mom... but it scares me and I want to stay pregnant forever.

I love being pregnant... but I hate it and want it to be over and to never feel like this again.

I don't want to do this again... but I want more babies. 

I have all of these people who are willing to help me and watch me... but I don't want to need help.

I don't want to be alone... but I don't want company. 

The positivity train has been derailed. 

My last two babysitters for the day arrived at 3pm and they made us chicken enchiladas for dinner. They were really good the first time I tasted them... not so much the second. 

I had a friend suggest a way to lift my spirits and put things in perspective. I am up for trying anything at this point. So I checked off all the days on a calendar that I have been sick, on bed rest, not allowed to drive, ect.


Here are my stats:

I threw up every single day for more than two months straight before we found a medicine that helped me keep food down...most of the time. 
(Oct 5- Dec 10)


I was on partial temporary bed rest for 54 days. 
(Dec 27- Feb 18)

The first day I passed out was February 26 that was 49 days ago.

I started throwing up again, kept passing out daily and have not been allowed to drive for 32 days. 
(March 15)

It's already been 10 days since I went to the hospital. (April 7)

I have been on full bed rest for 5 days.

 I am due in 60 days...That means I have been pregnant for 220 days!

June 15 does not seem so far away after all!

Let's hope the two of us (plus my sweet hubby, and all our family and friends) can hang on that long.

 One day at a time right!?